what would tucker do?

On Saturday, Peter, my brother and good friend of teh bloog turns a quarter of a century old. We decide to celebrate by going to a gig. No known band playing in bris tonight except kidney thieves. That’s the gothic industrial dance act right? Played something from the queen of the damned soundtrack? They are on the bill for MENAGERIE 2010 feat. The Kidney Thieves + Tin Can Radio + Slimey Things + Pirate + Greenthief. $15 cover charge – thats like 3 dollars a band = value char-ching. This is what happened.

19:01 - load up on dirty bird – gonna be a long night

19:24 - teh valley smells of arse.

19:29 - While outside the globe Peter antagonizes a skinhead in a stoke city jersey. He leers at us. We make a break for the Globe Theatre. Skinhead is afraid of culture – or knows what awaits us.

19:31 - Inside the globe. Resembles a cinema stripped bare with a stage instead of a screen. Nice layout, everyone can sit to watch the support acts so you can bob your head along with minimal exertion. Except for some loon with dreadlocks who is jumping about like green ants have crawled up his arse even without music playing. We consider telling him he’s retarded but fear getting whipped by knotty dreads.

19:45 - Greensthief start playing. They rock. I have forgotten how good live music is.
19:46 - Greensthief start singing
19:47 - Greensthief should stop singing.
20:31 - Greensthief conclude set with a suggestion to the assembled mob (not around 12 peeps) that we buy their $5 album. I’d rather snort $5 of wizzfizz.

20:39 - Thought of wizzfizz makes me thirsty and crave caffeine. Ask barmaid for two Red Bulls. Get two generic, overpriced energy drinks. “Just as good as red bull but without the taurine aftertaste”. Féin interest cause she has a cute smile.

20:43 - frontman of Pirate appears bearing a saxophone with pickup. Plugs it into amp and smoke appears. Visions of burning saxophonist spring to mind. Hilarity ensues.

20:44 - Smoke actually coming from an anaemic smoke machine. Frontman tries out his sax+fuzz box combo – hilarity does not ensue. They begin to play soon after.

21:11 - Set highlight – drummer plays a complex 3 against 4 pattern which is incredible. Guitar bass and sax play something...anything... trying to hold on to the beat.

21:26 - Third band, third saxapone. We check a blog post regarding the gig. Turns out its ‘progressive night’ at The Globe. Given the way this gig is rolling out we begin to wonder if the kidney thieves are not THE kidney thieves.

21:43 - Slimey Things play ‘when household appliances attack’ woo!
21:48 - Slimey Things play ‘White goods off destiny’ woo!

21:54 - an ironing board is sighted on its way back stage. Slimey Things make some remark about their ‘imperial ironing concubines’. Wish they would pay more attention to our entertainment than their laundry. Slimey Things conclude set telling us “Tin Can Radio will be better”.

22:03 - Go back to see cute bar girl again. Many others have same idea. Get serve by some random wench instead thus wasting another $9 on energy drinks. Now have spent more on drinks than we have on the bands.

22:30 - roadie in a pedo bear shirt and a bass player dressed as Jesus - this is going to be good.

22:49 - Tin Can Radio play like runaway train - teh tempo is outta control! But very trippy and cool

23:05 - Jesus's dancing puts his tight white pants at serious risk of splitting

23:09 - cop an eyeful of cock interlaced with bands rear-projected graphics

23:14 - inevitable happens – Jesus’s pants split midstance – another eye full of cock. He continues on in coke fuelled fury unabashed.

23:15 - other inevitable happens. Douches sitting uphill of us, shocked by second cock of the set, knock over whole jug of beer. Pours downhill between Peter and I before soaking into the pants of a drunk chick sitting in front of us. She jumps up and yells at us. we point to the trail of beer. She leaves. Tin Can Radio finish their set.

23:28 - A saxaphone stand appeared. Surely not a fourth one of the evening.
23:29 - False alarm - just a guitar stand.

23:38 - Kidney theives’ roadie is fat and wears a warhammer tshirt. Much more professional. maybe this is real kid thieves after all?

23:47 - Four sets of dreadlocks now on the stage. Very metal!
23:48 - Fifth member has no dreads and plays a sax and glockenspiel. Not very metal. And no sign of the lead songstress. I think we have been deceived.

23:49 - Band begins. Clearly not who we were expecting or hoping for. Aren’t their laws prohibiting this form of blatant misrepresentation? We didn’t part with our $3 to hear this progressive trot. Now very angry. Box office staff to too stoned to care. Contemplate what would tucker do? Return to heckle band.

23:55 - Lead singer starts swinging mic like a tiny flail. Hits own head with mike. Makes a satisfying percussive thud. Not professional. Wouldn't happen to real kidney thieves.

23:59 - Drummer dumming without shirt and with mouth open irritates.

00:04 - Frontman asks “Are you annoyed by retorical questions?” Attempt at wit irritates further

00:13 - Play Faith No More’s Epic. Crowd goes off. Should stick to covers

00:25 - Set concludes. Band try to hide stage right trying to beg for an encore. Crowd complies half-heartedly.

00:26 - Band say they are allowed to play one more song if we all leave the venue by midnight. But they are willing to catch up with us afterwards outside over a cigarette. We decide to call it a night instead.